Proud Moments

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

*found on WeHeartIt*
I had a cute little outfit post planned, and ready to go, but I'll save that for tomorrow.
Tonight, I just felt led to share this with you.
A long time ago, on my old blog, I shared 'my story,' of my 2 year battle with depression and cutting. And I feel that after tonight (which I will get to soon), I really need to share this again on my new blog (seeing as I have new readers and y'all don't know this story).

When I was in 8th grade, I didn't feel... good enough. I'm not sure who I wasn't good enough for, but that was how I felt 98% of the time. I think it was my lack of self worth, rather than my need for other people's approval. I didn't feel good about myself, and I thought that the only way to express how I felt was through cutting. Maybe this was just the angsty teenage girl in me, but I truly felt this was the only way to deal with my own problems.
My mom eventually found out, and after it was all out in the open, and my family knew, I figured that I would just put it in the past, and that would be that. But that was definitely not the case.
Again, half way through my freshman year in high school, I started cutting again. It wasn't even for a specific reason; on the surface, and even (for the most part) on the inside, I was okay. It was almost as if I missed the feeling that cutting gave me.
Soon after, I knew I couldn't keep up with the way things were going, and I knew things would progress into something much worse if I didn't reach out for the help that I really, really needed. So I told my mom.
She got me into counseling, and I've been alright-ish since then.
I don't like to sugar coat anything, so I won't make it seem like everything is perfect now. That's not true at all. I still get that urge to cut sometimes. It's not something I like to admit, but it is true, and it is a part of me. I have never acted on this urge in a long time (nearly 4 years), but not acting on that urge led to other issues - I developed a minor anxiety disorder, and have had anxiety attacks here and there for the past 2 years. But I'm getting better, every day.

Tonight, I was invited by my friend Jacob to come hear him speak to the youth at my church. Jacob is the sweetest, most inspiring kid I've ever met. He will be 16 soon, and has already gone through so much, it's unbelievable.
During his 8th grade year, he came to me for help... for the same exact thing that I dealt with my 8th grade year. And hearing him speak tonight, about his struggle, and how he came out of it, and is growing closer and closer to God because of this, made me so, so proud to have been a part of his journey of getting better. I love him more than words can possibly say.

I've always questioned what the purpose of all that pain I went through was. I constantly questioned God, almost angry that I went through what I did. But when Jacob first came to me for help, I immediately knew what that plan for my pain was. I couldn't have planned it better myself, and it only goes to show how amazing God is, and how unworthy I am of God's grace.

Jacob is an outstanding kid. Absolutely amazing.
He has come through so much, but he is still struggling, and so I ask you to keep him in your thoughts and prayers, if you get a chance. He is so deserving of all the love we can give him.

Thank you, if you stuck with this and actually read to the end!

xo Haley


  1. I love you. I will pray for him. And you. I am glad you shared this because I never knew this about you. I look up to you even more now. I am proud of both of you. Love, love, love.

  2. You're both in my prayers. It can take a long time to heal from self-harm, because it becomes an addiction and a coping mechanism in one. I personally believe it's just as hard mentally to quit as it is to quit drugs or drink.

    There's some quote like, "You're still an alcoholic even if there's not an ounce of alcohol for thousands of miles around." You're still a cutter, even if you don't cut. It takes a long time to heal, to not have those urges. Every day becomes every week, every month, year, decade. Stay strong, and thank you for sharing.

  3. I also used to self harm. I did it for about six years on and off. If you ever need to talk, I would love to help. You are amazing. :)

  4. Thanks for sharing this Haley. I can relate on so many levels!

  5. I love your honesty and openness. It's much thanks to people like you who come forth with their issue and how they resolved it/are working on resolving it that help others and let others know it is okay to talk about it and seek the help they need. I also went through a time, when my parents were divorcing in jr. high, when I cut myself and struggled with some of the same issues. It's comforting to read a post very similar to my own past experiences. Thanks for being brave enough to share!

  6. you are such a beautiful person. I treat a lot of young pained souls in my practice, and I have to drop a comment to let you know how much it MATTERS when courageous people like you speak out and share. i love you hay. and of course, I'm here if you ever wanna talk. no charge. ;)

  7. I know what you're going through. I cut as well from middle school through my sophomore year of high school. Thank you for being so open. It's nice to know you aren't alone in the world when it comes to that feeling.

  8. thank you for sharing the hard parts of your life. honesty is something the whole world could use more of!

  9. So glad u shared ur story cause its definitely not easy. I use to be a cutter myself and the urge is always there when I get mad. I watched my boyfriend die and lost a child so the pain is forever wanting to be subsided. hang in there and I'm proud of u for being strong. I will keep u and him both in my prayers.

  10. I am so happy you shared your story. I had no idea and I am happy to hear you are overcoming it day by day. I will be praying for you and Jacob. :) You seriously rock, girl!!

  11. Thanks for sharing! :) I love how God orchestrates things beyond our imagination :)

  12. So I was gonna take a break from commenting on posts for today but I couldn't resist commenting on this. I think it's so brave, honest, and amazing of you to be so open and real and share your story with us. This just makes me adore you even more! <3

  13. im so glad you shared this, even though i know it had took a lot to do so. i too had a problem years back, and its nice to see that others who have, have also been able to put a stop to it and grow. i admire you incredibly for that!!

  14. Thank you so much for sharing this Haley! You are so beautiful! Your honesty is so encouraging!


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