Proud Moments

*found on WeHeartIt*

I had a cute little outfit post planned, and ready to go, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Tonight, I just felt led to share this with you.

A long time ago, on my old blog, I shared 'my story,' of my 2 year battle with depression and cutting. And I feel that after tonight (which I will get to soon), I really need to share this again on my new blog (seeing as I have new readers and y'all don't know this story).

When I was in 8th grade, I didn't feel... good enough. I'm not sure who I wasn't good enough for, but that was how I felt 98% of the time. I think it was my lack of self worth, rather than my need for other people's approval. I didn't feel good about myself, and I thought that the only way to express how I felt was through cutting. Maybe this was just the angsty teenage girl in me, but I truly felt this was the only way to deal with my own problems.

My mom eventually found out, and after it was all out in the open, and my family knew, I figured that I would just put it in the past, and that would be that. But that was definitely not the case.

Again, half way through my freshman year in high school, I started cutting again. It wasn't even for a specific reason; on the surface, and even (for the most part) on the inside, I was okay. It was almost as if I missed the feeling that cutting gave me.

Soon after, I knew I couldn't keep up with the way things were going, and I knew things would progress into something much worse if I didn't reach out for the help that I really, really needed. So I told my mom.

She got me into counseling, and I've been alright-ish since then.

I don't like to sugar coat anything, so I won't make it seem like everything is perfect now. That's not true at all. I still get that urge to cut sometimes. It's not something I like to admit, but it is true, and it is a part of me. I have never acted on this urge in a long time (nearly 4 years), but not acting on that urge led to other issues - I developed a minor anxiety disorder, and have had anxiety attacks here and there for the past 2 years. But I'm getting better, every day.

Tonight, I was invited by my friend Jacob to come hear him speak to the youth at my church. Jacob is the sweetest, most inspiring kid I've ever met. He will be 16 soon, and has already gone through so much, it's unbelievable.

During his 8th grade year, he came to me for help... for the same exact thing that I dealt with my 8th grade year. And hearing him speak tonight, about his struggle, and how he came out of it, and is growing closer and closer to God because of this, made me so, so proud to have been a part of his journey of getting better. I love him more than words can possibly say.

I've always questioned what the purpose of all that pain I went through was. I constantly questioned God, almost angry that I went through what I did. But when Jacob first came to me for help, I immediately knew what that plan for my pain was. I couldn't have planned it better myself, and it only goes to show how amazing God is, and how unworthy I am of God's grace.

Jacob is an outstanding kid. Absolutely amazing.

He has come through so much, but he is still struggling, and so I ask you to keep him in your thoughts and prayers, if you get a chance. He is so deserving of all the love we can give him.

Thank you, if you stuck with this and actually read to the end!

:)

xo Haley